This post may be a little controversial but remember it is just a metaphor - though a very apt one in my opinion. The relationship between women and their dogs in many ways parallels the relationship between women and men. If you are dating a dog owner, watch the way she handles her dog - it will offer many cues to what she wants in a man. This is especially true of women with big dogs - not completely so with little lap dogs (though that may be a good topic for another post).
When a woman walks down the street with her dog she feels both protected and "involved" - it is a symbiotic relationship, i.e. both parties benefit. If the dog is well-trained it always stays close enough for her to feel secure and it won't let anyone approach that she doesn't know or doesn't trust. The dog is constantly alert to every stranger and imminent danger. Most men have the capacity and potential to provide the same comfort and protection to a woman - the question is do you have the right temperament?
The dog has been trained. He's learned to respond to subtle cues in his owner's body language and tone of voice. He knows when she feels uncomfortable often before she does. If you've never owned and loved a good dog it may be hard to understand this subtlety but it is very real - a dog is naturally 100% present in any situation.
This is where the metaphor comes into play: In many cases a woman will treat her partner the same way she treats a dog - I know that sounds harsh but it is actually a good thing. She treats the dog with the same level of respect and devotion that it shows her. In many cases this can be absolute - complete total dedication. The reason this makes some men uncomfortable is they either don't want to give their complete devotion or are incapable of doing so. In either case there is a problem.
One only needs to visit the nearest "dog park" to see the dynamic in action First thing you will notice at any dog park is that 75% of the owners there are women. Is that because women own more dogs than men? Absolutely not. Is it because female dog owners are more dedicated to their dogs and want to make sure they are happy - BINGO! Men often write this off to misplaced "maternal instincts." I don't think so. Only certain owners of very small infantile type dogs fall into this category - and you'd be surprised at how many very tiny dogs exhibit much stronger aggressive and protective tendencies than you'd ever imagine (take it from a former Chihuahua owner - they are very assertive and protective little dogs).
A dog is like a starter relationship for a woman. It shows her what is possible between two creatures. Unfortunately, many men don't come close to providing the comfort, security, protection and lively companionship of a simple four-legged canine. I have a theory about why this is true. It's called "The Leash."
Contrary to popular belief, men actually embrace the Male as Dog Metaphor. There are dozens of songs in popular culture that reinforce this from Elvis' "Hound Dog" to Iggy Pop's "I Wanna Be Your Dog" and the blues world has "Howlin' Wolf," "Hound Dog Taylor." But the modern male only wants to own part of the mythology - the sexual predator part. You and I will say "God, I am such a dog..." referenceing our indiscriminate sexual appetites - but we will quickly insult or demean one another by saying: "That woman's got you on a short leash" or "Run home, litle Doggie, the master is calling." It's the conflict between being "wild" and "domesticated."
But guess what guys? There is no such thing as a "Lone Wolf" - it is a myth. Wolves, dogs, canines, Dingos, Hyenas, are all pack animals and if a dog is alone it is desperate, angry, dangeous and depressed. Dogs are only happy when they are part of a pack and when they can do their part to protect and defend their family. So don't attach any credence to something that is completely false. Their is no such thing as a happy dog with no master, no family, no home and no responsibilities.
Of course the other modern icon is of the "Alpha Dog" and this is a bit more complex. We all aspire to being the Alpha Dog in our working and social lives - few of us are content taking a supporting role (though by simple definition most of us do and it is nothing to be ashamed of). But our confused egos easily distort the truth and believe we are subservient to a stronger animal in a male-female relationship. This could not be further from the truth due to one simple fact: A woman is not a dog! Did you get that? Let me repeat - A woman is not a dog!
Just because a female dog owner will assume the role of "alpha dog" when training a puppy, it does not mean that she and the dog share the same nature. The same goes for male-female relationships. Just because she needs to feel like you are keeping her safe and protected does not mean that she is in control of you. "The leash" is there for her security - not yours. If she knows you will not run away, guess what? The leash comes off. Any woman who is constantly tugging and yanking on your leash (i.e. calling your cell all the time to see where you are or what you are doing) is insecure in her relationship. You can't expect her to act any differently unless you give her a reason to do so. Like I said, watch women with their dogs - you'll see the ones that are happy, that feel secure, that did a good job of training - both "master" and "dog" are having a good ole' time.
Which brings me to the part of this metaphor that really raises the fur on most guys backs: "Well-trained?! What the F&%#$ do you think I am?! Nobody trains me!"
It's not about her training you my friend. It's about you training yourself to be a real man. If you haven't done the work, have no discipline, no self-conrol, go chasing every bitch you see... you don't give respect where it is due... guess what? You'll never be part of the pack. Because you fell for the oldest dumb ass trick in the book: There is no Lone Wolf who is happy. Just a mad dog in the midday sun.
- JC
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
How to Fight Like a Girl
Women are amazing and fascinating creatures and part of the intrigue is that they can be so different than men. They can also be very similar. Keep that in mind when experiencing any sort of conflict - but also keep it in mind when choosing the woman who is going to share your time.
There are three basic styles of conflict in relationships: attack, retreat and guerrilla warfare. Knowing your own style is a huge plus but more than that, recognizing the style of your partner is essential. Personally, I tend to "Retreat" when there is major conflict - so it takes some concerted effort on my part to stay put and deal with the issue in a healthy and proactive way. I have been working on this for many years and it is still a challenge; but I've learned some techniques and I try to stay calm while remaining present, even though all my instincts and internal mechanisms are usually demanding that I get away the entire time. But that is me.
Attack style partners are easy to recognize - and in some ways the most simple. Some men prefer to have a partner who comes right out and throws it in your face, i.e. "Where the hell have you been?! Do you know how late you are?? I am really f**king pissed!" There is some comfort in knowing where the person stands and exactly what they are feeling - you certainly don't have to guess. Of course a partner who reacts like this all the time can be fatiguing and even downright dangerous, but for some men this is exactly what they want and they can handle it. Usually these are the same men who are comfortable in head on verbal and physical conflict out in the world. Athletes, lawyers, police and firefighters and military men often fall into this range.
Guerilla warfare is the most challenging but it is also the style many modern couples fall into most readily. It involves holding back one's response until some later point and then delivering it as a "surprise attack." Both men and women can fall into this category and it is more of a default style of conflict since we are often too busy or too exposed in our daily and public lives to deal with conflict - we tuck it away and wait for another time to deal with the fight. Unfortunately, this only tends to add to the intensity and resentment of the original problem - but hey, welcome to life in the 21st Century.
There is no single good or bad way to be - it is just a matter of recognizing who we are and who we are partnered with that is most important. I respond best to Retreat or Attack style women and have the least amount of patience and empathy for the Guerilla Warfare type. Knowing where your own strengths and weaknesses reside is the key to finding the tools, techniques and eventual solutions to the conflicts that will arise in any relationship between a man and a woman. - JC
There are three basic styles of conflict in relationships: attack, retreat and guerrilla warfare. Knowing your own style is a huge plus but more than that, recognizing the style of your partner is essential. Personally, I tend to "Retreat" when there is major conflict - so it takes some concerted effort on my part to stay put and deal with the issue in a healthy and proactive way. I have been working on this for many years and it is still a challenge; but I've learned some techniques and I try to stay calm while remaining present, even though all my instincts and internal mechanisms are usually demanding that I get away the entire time. But that is me.
Attack style partners are easy to recognize - and in some ways the most simple. Some men prefer to have a partner who comes right out and throws it in your face, i.e. "Where the hell have you been?! Do you know how late you are?? I am really f**king pissed!" There is some comfort in knowing where the person stands and exactly what they are feeling - you certainly don't have to guess. Of course a partner who reacts like this all the time can be fatiguing and even downright dangerous, but for some men this is exactly what they want and they can handle it. Usually these are the same men who are comfortable in head on verbal and physical conflict out in the world. Athletes, lawyers, police and firefighters and military men often fall into this range.
Guerilla warfare is the most challenging but it is also the style many modern couples fall into most readily. It involves holding back one's response until some later point and then delivering it as a "surprise attack." Both men and women can fall into this category and it is more of a default style of conflict since we are often too busy or too exposed in our daily and public lives to deal with conflict - we tuck it away and wait for another time to deal with the fight. Unfortunately, this only tends to add to the intensity and resentment of the original problem - but hey, welcome to life in the 21st Century.
There is no single good or bad way to be - it is just a matter of recognizing who we are and who we are partnered with that is most important. I respond best to Retreat or Attack style women and have the least amount of patience and empathy for the Guerilla Warfare type. Knowing where your own strengths and weaknesses reside is the key to finding the tools, techniques and eventual solutions to the conflicts that will arise in any relationship between a man and a woman. - JC
Friday, May 28, 2010
Good Girls Do
When I talk about women in this blog I am taking for granted you understand that I am talking about "good women." This is not to emphasize that there are good women and bad women (though there are) but only to point out that there are good people and bad people for us in general. That said, I believe most people are good people and I certianly believe most women are good women.
When I talk about "good women" what I mean is women who are functioning and behaving naturally and not reacting to some internal disfunction or external pressure. We all make mistakes in life and in relationships, sometimes because we haven't learned the right way and at other times because we are too frightened or insecure to do what we know is right. I try not to judge too quickly or too harshly but I am attempting to provide a roadmap for men (especially younger men) around some of the more common obstacles along the path.
As a general rule: If we think of ourselves as damaged, then we will seek out those who are also damaged. If we think of ourselves as whole, we will be attracted to (and attractive to) those who are whole. Finally, if we see ourselves as a work in progress, healing our hurts and seeking to forgive and grow, then it is important to seek out and surround ourselves with the same loving and healing personalities we aspire to be.
Damaged women can be exciting - there is no denying it. I've had my share of wild, reckless and downright dangerous female companions. L.A., New York and Las Vegas are chock full of enticing women trapped in destructive patterns of behavior; it can be hard to resist. But ultimately if we want to have real relationships with depth and stability we need to look beyond cheap thrills and seek a true partner. There is nothing boring about a healthy relationship between adults - quite the opposite really. What becomes boring is the repetition of negativity when dealing with someone who is stuck in a childish or self-deluding state of mind.
So remember: Good Girls Do. They just don't advertise it as loudly.
When I talk about "good women" what I mean is women who are functioning and behaving naturally and not reacting to some internal disfunction or external pressure. We all make mistakes in life and in relationships, sometimes because we haven't learned the right way and at other times because we are too frightened or insecure to do what we know is right. I try not to judge too quickly or too harshly but I am attempting to provide a roadmap for men (especially younger men) around some of the more common obstacles along the path.
As a general rule: If we think of ourselves as damaged, then we will seek out those who are also damaged. If we think of ourselves as whole, we will be attracted to (and attractive to) those who are whole. Finally, if we see ourselves as a work in progress, healing our hurts and seeking to forgive and grow, then it is important to seek out and surround ourselves with the same loving and healing personalities we aspire to be.
Damaged women can be exciting - there is no denying it. I've had my share of wild, reckless and downright dangerous female companions. L.A., New York and Las Vegas are chock full of enticing women trapped in destructive patterns of behavior; it can be hard to resist. But ultimately if we want to have real relationships with depth and stability we need to look beyond cheap thrills and seek a true partner. There is nothing boring about a healthy relationship between adults - quite the opposite really. What becomes boring is the repetition of negativity when dealing with someone who is stuck in a childish or self-deluding state of mind.
So remember: Good Girls Do. They just don't advertise it as loudly.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What Women Really Want - It Ain't That Much
If you look at a random sampling of women's postings on any dating site you'll see certain things repeated over and over - for good reason. It's like they are all looking for the same guy: ".... tall, attractive (nice smile and eyes), confident (without being cocky), good sense of humor, emotionally available and honest."
This is what I like to call "The List" and it never ceases to amaze me how, other than the tall part, all these attributes are readily available to the average guy. There is nothing unrealistic here like "six-pack abs" or even "six figure income" and as far as "attractive" the qualities that women find attractive in men are not really the same things most men consider to be attractive about women. When was the last time you made a comment to another guy like: "She has an amazing smile" or "Did you see her eyes? They're like pools of liquid blue." This is exactly the sort of thing women notice and find attractive about men: our eyes, our smile, the tone of our voice, the way we hold our bodies; it's what they consider a part of the chemistry. And while you probably won't hear women complain if their beau has a great body or nice strong arms (they do like to be held by someone more powerful who makes them feel protected and cherished) they will rarely ever complain about a guy being a bit out of perfect shape unless - and this is the key point - unless it affects the man's self-confidence. If being overweight makes you feel insecure, anxious, overly-sensitive or just plain grumpy then guess what? Women won't be attracted to you. On the other hand I am sure that Jack Black and Phillip Seymour Hoffman have no problem getting and keeping chicks - and it's not just because they are famous. It's because they are confident, funny and self-assured. One of my favorite blues singers is a 280 lb big ole' love-machine named Sugar Ray and let me tell you his incredible confidence, talent and humor will turn a woman's head from a block away.
So the next time you see one of those "lists" and want to murmur about how women have ridiculous expectations - just think about what they are really asking for. Is it really that much? Just ignore the tall part and you're probably 3/4 of the way there. And as long as you project a strong physical presence they won't notice you're about the same height as they are anyway.
This is what I like to call "The List" and it never ceases to amaze me how, other than the tall part, all these attributes are readily available to the average guy. There is nothing unrealistic here like "six-pack abs" or even "six figure income" and as far as "attractive" the qualities that women find attractive in men are not really the same things most men consider to be attractive about women. When was the last time you made a comment to another guy like: "She has an amazing smile" or "Did you see her eyes? They're like pools of liquid blue." This is exactly the sort of thing women notice and find attractive about men: our eyes, our smile, the tone of our voice, the way we hold our bodies; it's what they consider a part of the chemistry. And while you probably won't hear women complain if their beau has a great body or nice strong arms (they do like to be held by someone more powerful who makes them feel protected and cherished) they will rarely ever complain about a guy being a bit out of perfect shape unless - and this is the key point - unless it affects the man's self-confidence. If being overweight makes you feel insecure, anxious, overly-sensitive or just plain grumpy then guess what? Women won't be attracted to you. On the other hand I am sure that Jack Black and Phillip Seymour Hoffman have no problem getting and keeping chicks - and it's not just because they are famous. It's because they are confident, funny and self-assured. One of my favorite blues singers is a 280 lb big ole' love-machine named Sugar Ray and let me tell you his incredible confidence, talent and humor will turn a woman's head from a block away.
So the next time you see one of those "lists" and want to murmur about how women have ridiculous expectations - just think about what they are really asking for. Is it really that much? Just ignore the tall part and you're probably 3/4 of the way there. And as long as you project a strong physical presence they won't notice you're about the same height as they are anyway.
Monday, May 17, 2010
One Man's Attempt to Help Other Men
I am writing this blog to do my best to help dispel some of the myths and distorted information out there about being a man and in particular to counter what I believe is incorrect and harmful advice on how to deal with the women in our lives. I have no formal training in psychology so I greatly appreciate any comments or feedback from both men and woman about anything in this blog. Like all human beings, I am a work in progress and I look forward to learning something new.
This is not a "Pick up Guide." I am not trying to help you get laid. There are plenty of those out there, although I don't feel they are particularly helpful to men in general because they perpetrate what I think is a stupid and impractical myth, namely that men have to "put on an act" and be deceptive in their interactions with women. This relatively new myth is based on another nonsensical myth which is:
MYTH #1: WOMEN DO NOT LIKE MEN
Yes, I know, this is a a very popular myth currently but it is simply not true. The fact is the vast majority of women like men very much and in fact a whole lot of them actually love us. So put that nonsense aside and just accept the fact that women do like us and want to be around us. They think we are awesome and exciting and mysterious and sexy as hell. But they are often confused about why we act a certain way and say one thing and then do the opposite. So we are going to talk about this and see what we can do to avoid falling into some of the more damaging and unproductive traps out there.
This is just the beginning of what I expect to be a rewarding journey.
I hope you enjoy my blog.
- Jim Christopher
This is not a "Pick up Guide." I am not trying to help you get laid. There are plenty of those out there, although I don't feel they are particularly helpful to men in general because they perpetrate what I think is a stupid and impractical myth, namely that men have to "put on an act" and be deceptive in their interactions with women. This relatively new myth is based on another nonsensical myth which is:
MYTH #1: WOMEN DO NOT LIKE MEN
Yes, I know, this is a a very popular myth currently but it is simply not true. The fact is the vast majority of women like men very much and in fact a whole lot of them actually love us. So put that nonsense aside and just accept the fact that women do like us and want to be around us. They think we are awesome and exciting and mysterious and sexy as hell. But they are often confused about why we act a certain way and say one thing and then do the opposite. So we are going to talk about this and see what we can do to avoid falling into some of the more damaging and unproductive traps out there.
This is just the beginning of what I expect to be a rewarding journey.
I hope you enjoy my blog.
- Jim Christopher
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