Good Girls Do

When I talk about women in this blog I am taking for granted you understand that I am talking about "good women."  This is not to emphasize that there are good women and bad women (though there are) but only to  point out that there are good people and bad people for us in general.  That said, I believe most people are good people and I certianly believe most women are good women.

When I talk about "good women" what I mean is women who are functioning and behaving naturally and not reacting to some internal disfunction or external pressure.  We all make mistakes in life and in relationships, sometimes because we haven't learned the right way and at other times because we are too frightened or insecure to do what we know is right.   I try not to judge too quickly or too harshly but I am attempting to provide a roadmap for men (especially younger men) around some of the more common obstacles along the path. 

As a general rule:  If we think of ourselves as damaged, then we will seek out those who are also damaged.  If we think of ourselves as whole, we will be attracted to (and attractive to) those who are whole. Finally, if we see ourselves as a work in progress, healing our hurts and seeking to forgive and grow, then it is important to seek out and surround ourselves with the same loving and healing personalities we aspire to be.

Damaged women can be exciting - there is no denying it.  I've had my share of wild, reckless and downright dangerous female companions.  L.A., New York and Las Vegas are chock full of enticing women trapped in destructive patterns of behavior; it can be hard to resist.  But ultimately if we want to have real relationships with depth and stability we need to look beyond cheap thrills and seek a true partner.  There is nothing boring about a healthy relationship between adults - quite the opposite really.  What becomes boring is the repetition of negativity when dealing with someone who is stuck in a childish or self-deluding state of mind.

So remember: Good Girls Do.  They just don't advertise it as loudly.

What Women Really Want - It Ain't That Much

If you look at a random sampling of women's postings on any dating site you'll see certain things repeated over and over - for good reason.  It's like they are all looking for the same guy:  ".... tall, attractive (nice smile and eyes), confident (without being cocky), good sense of humor, emotionally available and honest."

This is what I like to call "The List" and it never ceases to amaze me how, other than the tall part, all these attributes are readily available to the average guy.  There is nothing unrealistic here like "six-pack abs" or even "six figure income" and as far as "attractive" the qualities that women find attractive in men are not really the same things most men consider to be attractive about women.  When was the last time you made a comment to another guy like: "She has an amazing smile" or "Did you see her eyes?  They're like pools of liquid blue."  This is exactly the sort of thing women notice and find attractive about men: our eyes, our smile, the tone of our voice, the way we hold our bodies; it's what they consider a part of the chemistry.  And while you probably won't hear women complain if their beau has a great body or nice strong arms (they do like to be held by someone more powerful who makes them feel protected and cherished) they will rarely ever complain about a guy being a bit out of perfect shape unless - and this is the key point - unless it affects the man's self-confidence.  If being overweight makes you feel insecure, anxious, overly-sensitive or just plain grumpy then guess what?  Women won't be attracted to you.  On the other hand I am sure that Jack Black and Phillip Seymour Hoffman have no problem getting and keeping chicks - and it's not just because they are famous.  It's because they are confident, funny and self-assured.  One of my favorite blues singers is a 280 lb big ole' love-machine named Sugar Ray and let me tell you his incredible confidence, talent and humor will turn a woman's head from a block away.

So the next time you see one of those "lists" and want to murmur about how women have ridiculous expectations - just think about what they are really asking for.  Is it really that much?   Just ignore the tall part and you're probably 3/4 of the way there.  And as long as you project a strong physical presence they won't notice you're about the same height as they are anyway.

One Man's Attempt to Help Other Men

I am writing this blog to do my best to help dispel some of the myths and distorted information out there about being a man and in particular to counter what I believe is incorrect and harmful advice on how to deal with the women in our lives.  I have no formal training in psychology so I greatly appreciate any comments or feedback from both men and woman about anything in this blog.  Like all human beings, I am a work in progress and I look forward to learning something new.

This is not a "Pick up Guide." I am not trying to help you get laid. There are plenty of those out there, although I don't feel they are particularly helpful to men in general because they perpetrate what I think is a stupid and impractical myth, namely that men have to "put on an act" and be deceptive in their interactions with women. This relatively new myth is based on another nonsensical myth which is:

MYTH #1: WOMEN DO NOT LIKE MEN

Yes, I know, this is a a very popular myth currently but it is simply not true. The fact is the vast majority of women like men very much and in fact a whole lot of them actually love us. So put that nonsense aside and just accept the fact that women do like us and want to be around us. They think we are awesome and exciting and mysterious and sexy as hell. But they are often confused about why we act a certain way and say one thing and then do the opposite. So we are going to talk about this and see what we can do to avoid falling into some of the more damaging and unproductive traps out there.

This is just the beginning of what I expect to be a rewarding journey.

I hope you enjoy my blog.

- Jim Christopher