How to Fight Like a Girl

Women are amazing and fascinating creatures and part of the intrigue is that they can be so different than men.  They can also be very similar.  Keep that in mind when experiencing any sort of conflict - but also keep it in mind when choosing the woman who is going to share your time. 

There are three basic styles of conflict in relationships: attack, retreat and guerrilla warfare.    Knowing your own style is a huge plus but more than that, recognizing the style of your partner is essential.   Personally, I tend to "Retreat" when there is major conflict - so it takes some concerted effort on my part to stay put and deal with the issue in a healthy and proactive way.  I have been working on this for many years and it is still a challenge; but I've learned some techniques and I try to stay calm while remaining present, even though all my instincts and internal mechanisms are usually demanding that I get away the entire time.  But that is me.

Attack style partners are easy to recognize - and in some ways the most simple.  Some men prefer to have a partner who comes right out and throws it in your face, i.e. "Where the hell have you been?!  Do you know how late you are??  I am really f**king pissed!"  There is some comfort in knowing where the person stands and exactly what they are feeling - you certainly don't have to guess.  Of course a partner who reacts like this all the time can be fatiguing and even downright dangerous, but for some men this is exactly what they want and they can handle it.   Usually these are the same men who are comfortable in head on verbal and physical conflict out in the world.  Athletes, lawyers, police and firefighters and military men often fall into this range.

Guerilla warfare is the most challenging but it is also the style many modern couples fall into most readily.  It involves holding back one's response until some later point and then delivering it as a "surprise attack." Both men and women can fall into this category and it is more of a default style of conflict since we are often too busy or too exposed in our daily and public lives to deal with conflict - we tuck it away and wait for another time to deal with the fight.  Unfortunately, this only tends to add to the intensity and resentment of the original problem - but hey, welcome to life in the 21st Century.

There is no single good or bad way to be - it is just a matter of recognizing who we are and who we are partnered with that is most important.  I respond best to Retreat or Attack style women and have the least amount of patience and empathy for the Guerilla Warfare type.  Knowing where your own strengths and weaknesses reside is the key to finding the tools, techniques and eventual solutions to the conflicts that will arise in any relationship between a man and a woman.     -  JC